Monday, October 12, 2015

The Democratic Debate: The most boring thing in Vegas

San Marcos, CA – During both of the Republican debates that have happened so far, there has been an early, Junior Varsity Debate for weak candidates and a later Varsity Debate for the more serious contenders. In Las Vegas, tomorrow night, on CNN, the Democrats will barely be able to put together a Junior Varsity Debate.

Of course, first in the polls will be former First Lady, Senator of the great state of New York, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The questions she will be asked are obvious. What about Benghazi? Are the hearings politically motivated? She will say yes. What about the emails? She will probably say drop dead. After that she is likely to be asked about Joe Biden and her declining poll numbers. She will likely give answers that mean less than the minion’s banana song.
Of course there is Bernie Sanders, the junior senator from Vermont, who has promised that he will not keep the debate boring, not going after people or sending out sharp attacks. With hair as legendary as Donald Trump’s, (although nowhere near as cool) he has been having to eat honey recently because his 74-year-old vocal cords have been hurting due, (literally) to his constant screaming about how evil rich people are. (In case you are wondering, yes, Sanders is himself a rich man.) Sanders will likely be asked about his socialistic policies, what he thinks of Clinton, should he be nominated by the Democrats even though he’s actually not a Democrat, and does he think he can win? I would also like to hear him asked about his stance that the media should be owned by the government, as well as his paper in which he stated women want to be raped.
There will also be, on the periphery of the stages, Lincoln Chaffee, Jim Webb, and Martin O’Malley. They will get a few questions, probably mainly about “why are you running?” If they are smart they will spend their time going after things that will rally the base and also attacking Clinton, Biden, and Sanders. A question that is likely to be asked of everyone on the stage is "what about abortion?"
And of course, the shadow, the ghost, the spirit flitting around and through it all will be the man who isn’t there, the master of political intrigue, Joe Biden, who some say is so cunning he has been using the death of his own son for political gain. Whether or not that is true, and we all certainly hope it isn’t, it cannot be denied that Biden has played the rumors about a run for president very well, keeping the excitement up so well that it seems impossible that he will not be brought up during the debate. If he is not, and that does seem very unlikely, he will be brought up during the commercial brakes, as the Draft Biden campaign will be running an add asking to run during the debate.
And to finish up this story, we would be remiss if the last word on the debate, which is expected to garner less viewers due to Donald Trump’s absence, were not given to him . (By the way, he will be another absent spirit who will be still be felt, as Clinton at least is sure to be asked about the billionaire.) Trump said of the debate "You know, I think people are going to turn it on for a couple of minutes and then fall asleep,"

Andrew C. Abbott

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