Atlanta, GA, - Spam. Either in phone message, email, text, or supposedly edible form, the vast majority of sensible people would rather spend a day, (or at least five minutes) in purgatory than ever see the stuff again. However, always a glutton for punishment, early on in 2015, as a sort of social experiment I gave my email address to every single presidential campaign, as well as both major political parties, and sat back to watch what would happen.
In the time since then, through a never-ending series of
emails that would often number well over twenty a day, I was asked by the
Democratic National Committee and the Republican National Committee for money;
as well as Scott Walker, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Martin O’Malley,
Bobby Jindal, Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, (somehow
Paul Ryan and Trey Gawdy) etc. etc.
Most of the tactics were quite straightforward; Hillary
Clinton would drop a line every few days asking for one dollar. Occasionally I
will get one from her campaign that is ostensibly nothing more than a reminder
where and when Hillary will make her next appearance on the silver screen, but
there is always a button at the bottom of the email reminding me that if I
CLICK HERE, I could instantly relieve my conscience by helping women, minorities,
and Democrats everywhere by giving Mrs. Clinton one of my Georges.
Other campaigns have been more devious, Ted Cruz using some
of the most questionable tactics of all. He has sent more than one email out
saying that he will drop out if he doesn’t get amount X by the deadline. Of
course, if I were his supporter, I would be expected to panic and then empty my
cyber pockets into his cyber hat in an effort to keep him in the race. Just a
couple of days ago, I received an email from him that sounded like the
apocalypse had happened. I was told that Bush and Rubio are outspending him in
Iowa, and that he needed the money now!!!!!! If he was to even survive to Iowa.
(Yes, there were that many exclamation points.)
Marco Rubio often relies on guilt shaming, sending me emails
from local GOP leaders that support him, asking why I haven’t given any money
yet. Right at the turn of the New Year I received an email asking if I would
give Rubio any money in 2016, with two huge buttons saying “YES” and “NO.” I
suppose I could have pressed one or the other, sort of like a “choose your own
adventure” book, but instead I deleted the email.
After Walker dropped out of the race, I received at least
three emails from his campaign entitled “What now?” And while they didn’t explicitly
ask for money, each of the three, (which were exactly identical and sent over a
period of about a month) seemed to make it clear that Walker wanted me to pay
off his campaign debt. Jindal was more open, pointedly asking for money after
he had already announced an end to his candidacy, to help defray the costs
already incurred.
Sometimes there is some fun, like the contests held by Rubio
before each debate for two lucky supporters to attend the scream fests. Ben
Carson raffled off breakfast with himself, (imagine how boring, if educational,
that would have been) and Hillary had at least two contests for dinner with her
and Bill, and another for an all-expenses paid trip to her Christmas party in
New York. I didn’t win any of them, but I imagine it would have been the
greatest time of my life, to sit across from the former secretary of state and
tell her I’m not even voting for anybody at this point, and I actually signed
myself up as a “dedicated supporter” of hers for the fun of it. The most interesting
competition by far was Senator Cruz’, in which he gave away a personalized
shotgun to one of his supporters selected at random. I hope the gun is legal in whatever
state the winner lives.
It is always entertaining to hear each and every candidate
proclaim themselves the winner of each debate, and even to quote news articles
saying that they had a strong performance. (Somehow, all of them find a few to
back up their narrative.) Also, all of them always seem to be leading in the
polls according to their emails, or, as Rand Paul’s campaign often puts it, they
are “about to have a surge.”
Sometimes their emails are can be funny, such as the time
Huckabee sent a video claiming that cars with his bumper sticker on them got
better gas mileage. Sometimes they can be serious discussions of policy, such
as ones Rubio often sends out. Others feel like the candidate is heading some
Ponzi-scheme or pyramid “multi-level-marketing” strategy, with emails asking
for money and instructing me to forward it to five of my friends. (I don’t.)
Occasionally, their pitches are actually well thought out, giving fresh,
hopeful looks at politics; so good in fact, that one can see how some readers
might really be tempted to turn some more of their hard earned dollars over to
government officials, and even smile about it.
None of the videos, emails, links, jokes, articles, or
speeches have worked yet on me, however, as not a single shiner has gone from
my fists to theirs.
Of course, even the best candidate’s campaign has to have
money, and maybe even Trump’s campaign will someday ask for some. Not all of
the candidates have deep pockets or “sugar daddies” that can bankroll them
eternally, so they must rely on we, the people, to give them the green.
I’ve learned quite a bit being spammed over the past year;
Cruz can be a scare-monger, Carson’s emails sound like reading a medical
journal, and Rand Paul seems to think he’s one of the founding fathers, signing
off “In Liberty, Rand Paul.” But the email that stood out to me the most was
the time I got one from Rick Perry’s campaign asking for funds because they
were “doing well” in the polls and wanted to “keep the momentum rolling.” The
funny thing was, due to some computer mix-up, the email must have been sent
late, because Mr. Perry had dropped out of the race about an hour before I got
it.
Andrew C. Abbott
No comments:
Post a Comment